Project Finance Analyst Demoted To Intern After Hand Grazes Mouse While Using Excel
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The once-promising career of Ecoplexus project finance analyst Barrett Ingersol experienced a major setback yesterday, after he was demoted to intern for having briefly touched his mouse while building a levered inverted lease model.
The incident reportedly happened around 10:38 AM, pacific time. Ingersol was attempting to correct an error in a “min gain” formula he’d written. As he struggled to recall which cell references were in play, he absentmindedly reached for his mouse with his right hand. Just as his pinky finger made contact with the mouse, Ingersol became conscious of his actions, immediately snapped his hand away from the mouse as a toddler might recoil from a hot pan, and slowly turned his head in terror in anticipation of being discovered as a complete fraud. The sound of a record screeching to a stop reverberated around the room as approximately 20 sets of eyes stared at Ingersol in disbelief and pity.
What happened next is being referred to by some of those present as a “saintly” act of compassion. As nearly all of his coworkers descended on him with fury in their eyes, Ingersol’s coworker, Rebecca McFaul, rushed over, grabbed Ingersol by the arm, said “we need to get you out here. NOW. It’s not safe here for you anymore,” and whisked him out of the office.
Eye witnesses on Mission St at the time of McFaul and Ingersol’s exit say McFaul was desperately trying to hide Ingersol’s face and quickly rush him to a quiet, safe place not likely to contain anyone familiar with best practices for using “The E”. Ingersol was nearly catatonic, and heard to be muttering something to the effect of: “I…..I don’t know what happened….one minute I was just trying to trace the links from the capital account sheet, to the DRO sheet, to the Lessor tab, to the Min Gain sheet, to the Loan Calculation sheet, back to the Min Gain sheet, then back to the Lessor tab, to the lessee tab, back to the Loan Calculation Sheet, then back to the capital account calcs. I think somewhere in there I started thinking about changing careers…you know maybe take a job in the Enterprise Rent-a-car Management Training Program or something…and as my mind was wandering down that path my hand must have just mindlessly drifted over to the mouse. What have I done. Oh my god Rebecca…..WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?!”
About 30 minutes later as McFaul consoled Ingersol in an empty boba tea shop, Ingersol received a text message from his boss, Meg Booth, saying: “You’ve been demoted to intern and placed on a performance improvement plan. I’m sure you know why. I recommend you take a couple days off to think about what you’ve done and how this reflects on your teammates and the entire company.”
The Sunion reached Booth for comment.
“A lot of people have been saying ‘Oh that Meg Booth what an incredibly generous and forgiving person, where in god’s name did she find within her the empathy to allow Barrett to stay employed by the company?’ The truth is I don’t know. Should Barrett be facing more severe punishment and/or complete banishment from the industry? Sure. Probably. I think we can all agree that this is as severe an offense as one can conjure in project finance. It’s embarrassing, pathetic, and frankly it’s dangerous. If we start allowing our standards on Excel modeling to drop to the point where touching the mouse is even remotely tolerated….what’s next? Like, what if one day you hired someone and they showed up to work expecting to do their project finance modeling on a mac? What if every model you opened up was littered with macros initiated by color-coded buttons? Is that a world you want to live in? Well that’s where we’re headed if these kids are allowed to start touching their mouse without ramification. This isn’t some undergraduate “Investing 201” class at fucking Bowdoin, people. We have self-respect and standards here.”