Opinion: Scale Microgrid Deal Sure Sign Your Capital Raise Will Close Next Week (FULL ARTICLE)

By: Oliver Mortensen, Guest Contributor

Good news, everyone, I got another juicy morsel of fucking incredible news for all you sorry-ass “pre-liquidity” losers: your 2-years-long nightmare of failing to close your “platform” deal is over. Why? Shut up, I’m going to tell you. EQT bought Scale Microgrids - probably for some fucking awesome ungodly amount - and without question that deal is the perfect comp for your business and the transaction you seek. It’s over. The money is in bank, essentially.

Look, I know it’s been a long road, and I don’t really know any “details” about your businesses. But I’ve been watching all you sad sacks of shit drift around like subs at a weeknight orgy in Tucson, and I know a thing or two about milking the piss out of a vaguely relevant, yet very visible transaction. So for my own sake I’m going to lay this out for all you communist cucks.

Back in 22’ your peers were landing fat, barely-diligenced-at-all deals from fuck-dumb money before heading off to the hallowed lands of “angel investing”, or “advising and mentoring”, or “Asheville”. You watched this parade of wealth creation march right on past your adorable little development shop, and understandably wanted some of that sweet, sweet platform-deal money. So in early 2023 you engaged a third-tier investment bank after being peppered with visions of Korean chaebol buy-outs and non-dilutive minority investments with founder cash-outs from dumb shit “ESG” investors while enjoying an overcooked steak at a Morton’s in Anaheim. Naturally, you signed that shit up right quick, and asked em’ to make the book extra glossy. For emphasis.

Bam. Cash-out time.

Did the market for mediocre “integrated” development shops immediately crater thereafter, commencing a humiliating two-year long journey of watching your increasingly theoretical pipeline lay naked on the table for all to scoff at? It did. Did the investment bank proceed to completely ignore your calls for months at a time? Sure. Did most of your employees quit and hand over all their equity in return for two weeks of severance and a hat, because even the vaguest ongoing association with your bargain-rack company seemed bound to set their career back a decade? Absolutely they did.

But listen here big man, its time to call up that Fidelity “Ultra High Net Worth” saleswoman who stopped soliciting you last summer, finally decide between “Placed In Surf-ace” or “Tack-Leverage” for the yacht, and queue the music….because you got the comp you need; the comp we all need - it’s closing table time, baby, and I feel like dancing.

Some snowflakes might come at you with soft shit like “that company isn’t like yours at all,” or “one point doesn’t make a pattern,” or “you haven’t signed a viable LGIA since the pandemic” … as though any of that matters. Let me ask you this: Did you once have a pipeline of lease options and queue positions?… are you technically engaged with an investment bank?…can you claim to have “warm conversations” with offtakers that can’t be disproved? And besides….data centers, dude. Right? You know how many white papers about load growth I’ve wiped my ass with this week? Me neither. DATA. FUCKING. CENTERS. Fuck all those questions… Scale Microgrids is basically exactly your company as far as the now-piping-hot market is concerned.

This morning I heard somebody say “but Ollie…isn’t this like a Rorschach type thing where you just see what you want to see…mew mew meh”. Sounds like something a shrink or a Marxist would say, and I’ve never spoken with either. Yeah, I want to see a market that’s fuckin’ hummin’, and that’s what I’ve decided to see. And if we all decide we’re seeing that, it will be so. That’s business talk, commie.

Oh, you develop “different types of assets” than Scale, you say? Listen…are there solar panels?….do you have a slide from 2023 with a “total GW” number north of 10? Then shut up.

It’s happening. We’re cooking with gas, kiddos. That sweet, sweet, sweet EQT money just busted this thing wide open. Look around: no one’s paying taxes anymore, all panels are American made cause I fuckin’ said they are, cyberscalers or whatever are crushing MWhs making videos of cats doing Pacino impressions, Silicon Valley traded ideals for nihilism, our major cities burn up and the markets don’t even flinch…and now, on top of all that, we got PLATFORM M&A COMPS COMING OUT OF OUR ASS!!!! 2025 is gonna rip. Let’s go.

Mortensen is a regular contributor to The Sunion’s editorial pages, focused on topics like platforms and fashionable technology ideas