Curators Of Simulation We Are Living In Having An Absolute Blast Watching “Direct Air Capture” Taken Seriously
PLANET HD 178911 Bb, PHOBETOR GALAXY - A recent interview with the principal curator of the computer-simulated reality you are currently “living” in has revealed that the entire team of post-biological extraterrestrials who manage the Earth Simulation are getting a huge kick out of watching the humans in simulation run #295,121 take Direct Air Capture (“DAC”) technology seriously.
ZOOB38&THWK~!, the principal curator, who communicated with The Sunion through sub-atomic “sophon” communication technology, described the origin of DAC: “BNA$$$VOOT! and I were sitting around one day. Things were pretty slow. The war on terror and global economic crisis were getting really stale and boring. We thought the black president thing would be way more disruptive - at that time we didn’t yet realize the nodes in our simulation were just suppressing their anger and hate for 8 years and that it would eventually erupt in the form of an absolutely absurd dipshit being spoon-fed multiple coup-de-etat opportunities. But before that became clear, in those slow years we got super bored. BNA$$$VOOT! was drinking a lot back then, too; one day he was pretty tuned-up and proposed this ludicrous idea of introducing a “technology” that purports to suck carbon out of the air, non-surgically. We all cackled, but then asked him to stop screwing around and focus on more realistic ideas. But he was dead-set on it. Absolutely insisted we try it. You know, just for shits.”
ZOOB38&THWK~!, went on to describe his team’s delight when he realized the simulation nodes were taking the bait.
“We simply couldn’t believe it. I mean…just think about it. Here these “people” are smack in the middle of a massively successful rollout of wind and solar. By almost every measurement it’s going wonderfully for them. Proven technologies which are working in almost every respect...capital markets responding to the energy market transition…migration of human capital to the clutch-cargo industries proceeding as it should… and all we had to do was drop one dumb little shiny object into the yard, and thousands of idiots start drifting over to it like moths to a flame. It’s just…..it’s incredible,” said ZOOB38&THWK~!
BNA$$$VOOT! put DAC in context of his daily routine: “First thing I do when I get to work is zoom in on the climatetech sector and check to see if any new DAC startups have siphoned capital away from legitimate applications; almost every day there’s some ‘impact’ investor pumping money into this garbage because they can’t resist the sexiness of it. And I don’t mean, like non-profits or quasi-governmental institutions…I’m talking about, like, venture capitalists. Isn’t that amazing? I tell ya…these ‘humans’ are truly fantastic. I’ll just sit there and giggle like a little sentient-being schoolkid for like 15 minutes while I have my virtual coffee, watching the parade of delusion. I think this is the best idea I’ve ever had. It’s either this, or Jai-Alai. God, I fucking love my job.”
At press time, the team from HD 178911 Bb were debating whether or not it would be too much to have the husk of a dreadfully neutered Build Back Better bill be striped of all substantive legislation, leaving only rich subsidies for DAC, “blue” hydrogen, cold-fusion, and Joe Manchin’s steam shower.