Nation’s Wire Room Operators Confirm Solar The Only Industry Where Wires Routinely Botched
NEW YORK, NY - As part of its ongoing investigative series, The Sunion has conducted a series of interviews with staff members of domestic banking institution wire rooms to better understand the industry’s apparent inability to execute very basic flow-of-funds without fucking at least one thing up.
The interviews quite clearly suggest that the industry is not only an outlier, but truly one of a kind. Lola Castanova from BNY Mellon summarizes the situation well: “I’d say of the solar transaction flow-of-funds we quarterback here, about 12% of them go off without a hitch. This compares to our global all-industry benchmark of about 99.3%. We’ve never seen anything like it…and that benchmark includes industries such as ticket-scalping, puppetry, and Cutco Knives.”
This revelation is particularly shocking for an industry generally considered chock full of highly educated, hard-working, capable folks. The Sunion asked numerous wire room operators about the nature and origin of the mistakes. Roman Davidson from Union Bank offered an eye-opening perspective: “Yeah so here’s where it gets really fucked up. [leans in, checks over shoulder, switches to a whisper]. The fuck-ups are just as often ours as they are the solar people’s.” Asked how it was possible that wire rooms across the nation belonging to dozens of different institutions could possibly exhibit a consistently different error rate for one subsector vs. another - never mind a delta so severe - Davidson said: “The only theory I’ve come up with is that no group of individuals is more obnoxiously self-entitled and ego-centric than solar project finance folks; after receiving the seventh pestering phone call from some asshole who thinks their wire is the only thing happening in the universe that day, maybe us wire room operators fat-finger a couple numbers from time to time, know what I mean? I mean….not me, but people I know. Wait… are you writing this all down?”
At press time, a gaggle of blockchain evangelists were foaming at the mouth, sensing an opportunity to finally jam their unwanted solution to non-existent problems into an industry that already has plenty of very existent problems which need actual solutions. “No no no,” said Alexis Langer of Ranger Power. “Not you, blockchain. Anyone but you. I’d rather enrich a few Nigerian Princes every year than have to listen to your bullshit every day.”