CEO Preemptively Apologizes For Inappropriate Behavior At Company Holiday Party [Full Details]
PHOENIX, AZ - In a move hailed as deeply unsettling, yet somehow refreshingly self-aware, Charlie Beekman (AKA “Chaz”, “Beek”, “King Charlamagne of Shotlandia”), CEO of Radiant Horizons Solar Solutions, issued a provisional, advance apology for his behavior at this Friday’s company holiday party at the Biltmore.
“While I hope this year will be different, lets be real with each other,” reads the letter, which was sent to the entire employee base through Beekman’s attorney. “To the intern I’ll surely make a pass at… the bookkeeper who I ‘pants’ after he refuses to slam the Smirnoff I’ve ‘iced’ him with, and to all the many victims of my shameless chest gazing—my deepest regrets. You know…in advance.”
The 46-year-old executive, who last December was famously carried off the dance floor after dislocating a coworker’s shoulder while attempting to re-create a TikTok trend involving a toboggan, two Meerkats, and a $3,000 bottle of 2004 Bordeaux, acknowledged a spotty track record at corporate events. “I’m aware that my enthusiasm for both tequila and team building often eclipses my better judgment,” he admitted. “No one needs to hear my vision for the company issued in the style of Borat; yet I’m perfectly aware that this is all but inevitable. And for that I (will) feel terrible (later).”
In the letter, Beekman thoughtfully acknowledged his habit of hogging entertainment resources procured for the entire 65 person team’s enjoyment, saying “I firmly believe every party attendee deserves a chance on the karaoke mic, and regret that so few will have that opportunity as a result of my inevitable decision to perform every track from Steely Dan’s ‘The Royal Scam’ album for the third year in a row.”
Despite the apology, many employees were bracing for what one marketing manager referred to as “our annual lawsuit fodder collection extravaganza”. Maria Gomez, who recalled being handed a PowerPoint laser pointer last year to "highlight her aura" during an impromptu mid-party meditation session led by Beek: “let’s be real—by 9 p.m., we’ll be prying him off the stage while he shouts something about how he’s the reincarnation of ‘Ra’ (the Egyptian Sun God)”.
The HR team has prepared a sound proof OSHA tent in the break room, inaccessible to “Chaz”, where employees will be offered manilla envelopes full of cash for entering into settlement, release, and non-disclosure agreements before leaving the party.
Carrie Lawler, a young development engineer, added: “Yes, based on the facts that this Friday is our holiday party, said party has an open bar, and that Mr. Beekman plans to attend….I’m fully prepared to field wildly inappropriate questions about my dating life, plans for a family, ‘how I stay in such great shape’ and why me and [project finance associate] Sundeep Singh ‘haven’t banged’. [Sigh]. I suppose none of this should surprise me. After all this is a man who has claimed - while sober, mind you - that he’s the true founder of the ‘#notme movement’.