SCOTUS Curbs Department Of Defense’s Authority To Shoot Back During Invasion
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a surprisingly balanced and intellectually consistent decision, the supreme court of the United States has ruled that, in the event of a massive, potentially apocalypse-inducing ground invasion by another world power, the US military will not be permitted to take any actions to deter the invading army from further advance.
The decision comes on the heels of a decision to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency’s authority to regulate greenhouse gas emissions.
“It’s really important to all of us on the Supreme Court that our decisions make sense. If we were the type of institution that cherry-picked from the constitution, legal precedents, and logical thought, that would surely be infuriating and deeply unhealthy for a nation of laws built on a foundation of separation of powers,” said Justice Thomas.
Thomas added: “If we obviously targeted one particular government institution which is, for some reason, wildly unpopular with my poli… - sorry, I mean the political party I report to…wait sorry I mean the party my wife sold her soul to in the 80’s….shit, that’s not what I’m supposed to say, either, is it. Look, my point is that we need to be fair, reasonable, logical, etc. so if one government institution is to be prohibited from doing what they were created to do, then all of them should be similarly prohibited. And it would be really two-faced of the republicans on the bench - Shit….there I go again forgetting the court isn’t a political body [hearty chuckles]! - were to castrate their least favorite arm of government without castrating all arms of government.”
The severe restrictions on the US military are expected to have grave effects. Justice Coney Barrett acknowledged as much in the majority opinion she authored: “Any non-moron knows that if we remove all incentives for desired behavior and disincentives for undesirable behavior, we should expect the precise behaviors we don’t want. So yeah…sure…we’ll almost surely be invaded, and that invasion will surely lead to horrifying death and destruction. But intellectual consistency is the bedrock of the court, and we made this EPA decision, so what do you want me to do?"
At press time China stood poised to conquer major cities across the country, and Justice Alito pleasured himself to a live feed of a refinery chimney spewing black smoke into the air.